Of Soaps and Handkerchiefs..

Our home is a soap-free zone. Now don’t raise your handkerchiefs to your nose. I am not talking about the soap that is a cleaning agent, but the soap operas that have become staple of every Indian household, irrespective of caste, creed, economic status etc!!

Our servants may lack money for food as the month-end draws closer, but the first thing they do with their salaries is to pay the cable guy his monthly rental.

My days of TV watching ended at about the same time satellite TV came into picture. Weekly serials with a story to tell were slowly replaced with half an hour episodes of crying, cursing and avenging. My mother became something of a social outcast amongst our relatives since she was the only one who appeared clueless about the difficulties faced by ‘Saro’ of ‘Metti Oli’ (a very popular tamil soap).

If we ever bother to enter a friend/relative’s house at 7:00pm or later we are spoken to like the characters in K.Balachander’s* movies.

Hindi soaps are equally and often more scary. I remember one day when I was visiting my friend who was staying at the Hyderabad guest house. She was watching some K soap with the guest-house cooks. The she-villain in the serial looked really scary, but wore some really expensive clothes and jewelery and even had a signature tune that played in the background every time she appeared on screen. She had some name ending with ‘ika’. (All these years I kept thinking the name was Kaapalika or Andolika, but my friend said it was Komolika!)

Well coming back to what I actually wanted to say - After a long long time, I was forced to watch/hear a soap, thanks to a visit from my aging relatives. True to our time-honored maxim - Athhithi Devo Bhava (Guest is God), my father changed the channel to the one playing the latest version of Ramayan. And my childhood nightmares returned.

It is interesting how some things never change !! No, I don’t mean the story of Ramayan itself, but the way our serial makers (or should I say serial killers?) dramatize it!! Some noteworthy points :

a. Sita and Ram still look well fed after 13 years of living in the jungle eating roots and fruits.

b. Ravan is still the same silly guy who laughs aloud for no reason. He seems to think he is intimidating - we don’t !!

c. The concept of time is taken very literally by the directors. When a person walks from point A to point B that is about 200 m away, the scene stretches for about the same time as it would take in real life to walk that distance.

d. However this concept is forgotten when a war sequence is shown. The guys separated by about 50 m shoot arrows at each other. The arrows take a few minutes to reach the other end or worse still collide with the other arrow. I remember the sequence where Ram had to lift the bow in King Janaka’s court, in the Ramanand Sagar version. That week’s episode consisted of showing a court full of kings who had come to break the bow and ended with the 3rd or 4th failed attempt. The next week’s episode had Lord Ram walking to the box where the bow is kept, standing near it and then ‘Mangal bhavan amangal..’ while the credits rolled. It took about 4 episodes for Ram to walk to the bow, lift it and finally break it !!The serial made award winning Malayalam and Bengali movies (of those days) seem like James Bond movies !!

e. Besides the slow-motion, Ramanand Sagar’s version had some hilarious advertisements for crackers in these sequences. The arrows would frequently collide mid-air and give rise to some colorful stuff!! While I was spared of the war sequences in the episode I heard more than saw (I had my back turned to the TV to escape from visual assault!!), I heard the bad guys planning an assault and harping on the same point from the start of the episode to the end.

f. Hanuman still looks constipated. But what else can you expect from the poor guy who has some contraption on his mouth preventing him from emoting in any manner? (P.S. I recently read Valmiki Ramayan and Hanuman is described as a very handsome person!!)

g. The music director seems to still take his job very seriously. He considers it his paramount duty to compensate for the lack of acting by the actors by giving appropriate mood music for different scenes. Thus if the hero’s mother offers him rice and he says he wants roti, our MD gets emotional and plays a music that would in pre-soap days make you think that the hero’s mother kicked the bucket.

h. The guy playing Ram still seems to think that smiling and looking like a complete moron makes him look noble. He seems to have taken his (non-) acting lessons from Arun Govil!!

i. Sita is still well made up in Ashoka vanam. Make-up probably grows on the trees of that forest!!

j. The villains still talk too much !! They keep saying what they will do, where as the good guys kill them in the end without too much talk.

k. It was very difficult not to shudder while listening to the voices of the characters. The tamizh dubbed version was playing on TV and I have heard the same male and female voices mouthing pretty much the same type of dialogues in ads and other serials that one comes across while switching channels.

Miracles happen once in a while to re-inforce one’s belief in God. Similarly chance viewings such as the one yesterday made me realize what I was not missing in my life - TV soaps !!

*K.B is a very very famous tamil film director in Tamizhnadu. Many of his characters have this habit of looking at the mirror or some obscure object while talking to another character !!

Hey You, Meet You !!

Intro 1 - A conversation with a friend of many years:
‘So what are you reading these days?’

‘I have suddenly developed an interest for classics. Thankfully the public library is not short of books by old masters. I have just started Tolstoy’s War and Peace. What about you?’

‘Me? It has been a while since I read any novels, but the last one I read was one by Frederick Forsyth. What about movies? What was the last one you saw?’

‘I discovered this site called filmsite.org a month back. It has a list of the top 100 English movies of all times. I am thinking of watching them one by one.’

‘Hmm.. Why are you like this?’

‘Like what??’

‘Well, why do you have to read classics and watch B&W movies? Do you really like them? I personally think that you are doing it because you think it is the right thing to do and not because you like it! Why are you not normal? Why do you strive so hard to be different? Why can’t you be like normal girls? Normal girls your age, would listen to film music or popular music, but you pretend to enjoy classical music!! They would watch what everyone else watches, not some obscure movies from the archives! What are you trying to prove and to who? Why are you restricting yourself? Why don’t you be more open and broad-minded?’

Intro 2 - Another casual conversation with a short-term friend:

‘So tell me this - Are you a vegetarian by choice? Or is it because of your upbringing?’

‘It was initially because of my upbringing. Now it is also a matter of choice.’

‘And why is it your choice now? Religion? Ethical reasons?’

‘Ethical reasons’

‘See, this is my problem with vegetarians. Why do you say ethical reasons? Why don’t you say that you do not like meat?’

‘What is the problem? You asked me why I did not eat meat and I gave you an honest answer!!’

‘No, but what you are doing is wrong !! You are making a non-vegetarian like me feel bad about myself for eating meat, by giving such an answer. You vegetarians, think you are morally superior to us !! We are human too!! We have feelings too!!’

‘Are you, by any chance, drunk or stoned? Whoever talked anything about you? You asked me a question and I replied !!’

‘But you should be nicer when you respond to such questions. If someone asks you why you are a vegetarian, you can simply say that its your choice! Why do you want say that it is due to ethical reasons? Do you mean to imply that being a non-vegetarian is unethical?’

What is common between the 2 exchanges above? Note how the questions were framed. What were the responses and what meanings were construed? Most people hear what they want to hear! The opinion about you or the subject is already formed and what they want is a mere confirmation, which they will derive irrespective of what your actual response is. The questions are merely rhetorical and are supposedly intended to prove to you what a hypocrite you are !!

Though not many, I have met a few such people in life. I can understand this sort of exchange happening with people you do not know very well, but sometimes, it is the ‘friends’ and ‘well-wishers’ who often end up annoying you in ways mentioned above.

Sometimes these ‘illuminating’ comments tend to destroy your self-esteem, especially when you are young. During my school days, I got into a quarrel with a boy in my class. The fight was pointless like most fights between kids. We were kids entering adolescence. During that short period, girls and boys hated each other and insulted each other at every possible instance. Things turned a little dramatic, when this boy and few of his friends sent home an abusive post card with choice expletives, complete with spelling and grammar mistakes (I was even called a ‘bloody bucket’ in the letter !!). My parents were upset and complained to the school principal who then asked the class teacher to give a stern warning to the culprits.

These were boys and as I had mentioned before, we had a beast who worked as the Sports teacher. He got involved in the issue too and supposedly gave the boys a sound beating (heresay). This was when my class teacher realized that she had to teach ME a lesson for provoking the boys. So I suddenly became a student who needed to be corrected. During one class, the teacher started talking about how people should behave. She spoke about a fictional person, who was good in academics and co-curricular activity, who belonged to a certain community (trust me, this happens in small-town schools in TN) and who was popular in school. But, she said, these things did not matter if she was vain. (Pride, I was told later, is when a girl of any age talks back to a guy of any age!!). The only thing she did not mention during the entire speech was my name! The entire class was now looking at me, for no one was fooled that the advice was meant for the whole class.

The issue did not end there. She supposedly asked to see my younger sister and asked her about my general behaviour at home, was I friendly with my father and my brother etc. My sister innocently told her that I would often fight with my brother. That is when the teacher told my sister something that I had not known all along - that I had always had a hatred towards men :) I was young and eager to please everyone around, especially my teachers. And this teacher affected me so badly that for the remaining years at school and college, I refused to participate in any extra-curricular activities. My self-esteem went for a complete toss, and I started believing that I was one of the most despicable people put on earth. I would tremble when I had to stand in front of people and had a few experiences of losing my voice totally when facing the mike.

Today, I find it easier to brush aside comments made by people about what I actually meant while saying anything. But as I said before, it still comes as a shock when people who you think you know well, still offer opinions about what they really think you meant!! Sometimes, it is better when people take you at face-value rather than try to find hidden meanings in every word you say or every action you do !!

Celebrating Women..

Take a movie, any movie in any language.

Now think of the female characters in the movie.

Think of what would happen to the plot of the movie, if the character did not exist. Will the story still survive?

Given how strong a medium movies are, it often surprises me that women are so inconsequential to the plots of most (almost all) movies. I was thinking of my favourite movies in all languages and almost all of them could be made without any women in them!! (I am not taking into account ‘regular’ romances - not ‘Brokeback Mountain’ or ‘Farewell my concubine’ - where there is a heroine solely to complete the love story or love triangle. I am also not talking about the mandatory mother characters that die in the arms of the son in the end. (Completely off track - try this link. The portion about Nirupa Roy had me in splits and I have read this one again and again and again!!)

I often get into this mode of thinking about such absolutely useless topics not only when I have nothing better to do, but also when I have loads of pending work! But thats just me and my almost always idle mind!!. If art reflects life, how come most of the interesting stories portrayed in movies seldom require a female character to make it complete? Thats not the case in real life!! How many movies have realistic portrayals of women and have them play central characters (No Vaijayanthi IPS or other Vijayshanthi types please!!)? Or even if not realistic, atleast relatable characters?

These questions had been on my mind for quite a while, till I watched a 2006 Spanish movie, titled ‘Volver’ by Pedro Almodovar. I had heard about the movie because of the Oscar buzz surrounding it. The stills for the movie did not look very inviting. The image of Penelope Cruz wearing a low cut dress and wearing red lipstick, did not seem like an interesting prospect. However, since I was watching other Oscar nominees for that year and also since I had started watching foreign language movies recently, I rented this one. Only after the movie ended, did I realize that there was just 1-2 male characters in the movie with very little screen time. Otherwise the movie was ruled by women of different ages. Unlike most of the big budget hollywood flicks, this movie had a strong story, even stronger characters and was very touching at the same time. The movie explores mothers of different ages and shows how times change but some things like a mother’s love for her daughter and her protective nature never change. The movie, like our good old Indian movies has a lot of other things, black humour, emotions, maternal love, a murder and yes, even a song !!

After watching this one, when I spotted another movie titled ‘All about my mother’ by the same director, I rented it without any second thoughts. This was even more beautiful. The movie is dedicated to every one who is a woman at heart, even if physically they are different from a ‘normal’ woman. Once again, this movie has a lot of really strong women and men, who are women at heart. Apart from the central character Manuela played by Cecilia Roth, the movie has a lot of interesting characters including a tranvestite prostitute, a pregnant nun and a lesbian actress who Manuela comes across in her search for her lost husband. Again, a really touching movie.

A word of caution though, both the above mentioned movies have some strong adult theme and content and are not suitable for all types of audiences. After this I started exploring Almodovar’s older movies and gave up after watching 2-3 because of the overdose of homoerotic content!!

Are there any more movies that you can think of that have used women as more than props (wives, mothers, sisters, girlfriends etc of the hero)? My cousin recommended an old movie by Gulzar called Ijaazat and I am yet to watch that. Any other recommendations?

Broken Window - a real threat

I take guilty pleasure in reading paperback novels by popular writers of paperback mysteries. But when I grow tired of bloodshed, murder victims and weapons, a know-all hero, I switch to the offbeat books. I am usually against novel ’series’ that feature the same set of characters. But a very interesting and unlikely hero called Lincoln Rhyme, a former cop, caught my attention in the book - The Bone Collector. The interesting thing about this guy is that he is a quadriplegic, i.e., has no sensation and control in any of his limbs and is hence restricted to his bed all the time. This is the same condition the original superman - Christopher Reeves suffered from. What it also means is, that he solves mysteries purely using his brain and the stories usually involve very little action from the hero’s part.

When Jeffrey Deaver, the author wrote this novel, he initially intended to kill the character at the end of it, but decided against it. Due to the large success that the novel enjoyed, he turned this into a series. So for paperback mystery enthusiasts, the characters Lincoln Rhyme and Amelia Sachs - the redhead detective and Rhyme’s partners are as familiar as a blood relative.

The thing with such series is that it is extremely difficult to sustain the interest levels of the reader. The characters are the same, their functions and characteristics are things that readers already know by now. The mystery is usually a murder and the way the characters will go about solving the mystery is usually the same (since they are the same characters from the previous works). So what can the author do? Simple, create newer and meaner villains !

The more the series extended, the meaner and more invincible the villains became and the lesser was my enthusiasm towards these books. However, my dad picked up the latest in the series the other day and since I had nothing else to read and since I literally go crazy without a book in hand when I am eating, I started reading this one.

This is not great literature, so this post is not about the merits or demerits of the subject or the style of the author. I was more struck by the actual subject of the novel. The villain in this time is computer literate and is involved in identity theft.

Given how much everything around us is computerized these days and given the fact that most of our day-to-day transactions are recorded electronically somewhere or the other, the events described in the novel don’t seem too far removed from life. The possible repercussions of data mining are described in great detail and some of the events described in the novel seem to real to be ignored as a writer’s fantasy.

Purchases on the internet, resumes on job sites, seemingly innocent survey forms, swipe cards to get in and out of office, RFIDs to track product usage, understand customer psychology and study patterns - there seem to be so many details that we seem to be giving away about ourselves and it is a very real possibility that there are twisted minds out there who can and will misuse this information to serve their purposes.

How secure am I in today’s electronic world? How anonymous can anybody be? Take the example of any blogger, say me. My neighbours know me by face (and that too is not a certainty), but those I interact with through my blogs probably know more about me than a neighbour who is physically closer to me. Given sufficient time, access, an intelligent mind can probably piece together all information about an individual and use it too.

Just the other day, my brother and I were discussing about this. He was telling me that according to him, many of the marketing SMS that we receive on our mobile phones were because of our resumes on job sites. This, I realized was not always true. I returned only 3 weeks back from onsite and hence have a new number. Now this number has been published to a few selected people (about 5-6 of them), but I have already started receiving calls from banks about personal loans and SMSes on various subjects including massage services in the area and homemade food that can be delivered at my doorstep. Hypothetically, if I did post my resume on a website, I would not have updated it (-I have not-posted my resume, I mean!!), then how did these guys get my mobile number AND my details!!

Although I keep reminding myself that I am not a character in a mystery novel and such things don’t usually happen to me, reading this book at this time has made my imagination more colourful and wild! I am worried what else these people know about me and whether anyone will really worry enough about me to wreck my life by stealing my identity (whatever little is left after working in IT for so many years !!)

A language for every mood

We Indians, are really lucky - almost all of us are bilinguals. Many of us are tri and multi linguals. Besides the obvious benefit of having access to literatures in all the languages one has knowledge of, I think languages serve a very important purpose. I have experienced it every time I try to put down my thoughts when I see something of great beauty, like the Niagara or the Grand Canyon or a picture of my cute niece - the lack of words to express EVERYTHING I feel, in English.

I guess I am not the only person, but English seems to me, very inadequate when I have to express something from my heart. My preferred choice would be Tamizh, my mother tongue or even Hindi. Somehow, calling someone, who unmindful of you or the traffic light, decides to cross the road and worse still, pauses to grin like a complete idiot, names in English, does not help in expressing all the anger, irritation, the urge to get down and murder the person as well as I would want it to be!! What can I call the Niagara except beautiful? How shallow the word sounds in front of the majesty of the falls!!

Switching between different languages is a very big convenience in such situations. So when I am upset, I use English, especially when I want to soften the blow. When I am really angry (usually due to road-rage), I switch to Tamizh. Hindi is a rarely used language, and as a result is pretty rusty. Besides, I don’t know cuss words that are moderate enough for me in Hindi. English has a lot of them and most of them are meant for the person’s mother than the person himself, so I rarely use those !!Calling names in my case is using the names of different animals in my case. It is a different thing altogether that in many instances, these animals behave better than people in general and me in particular. In Indian languages, since we tend to sing, rather than talk, changing the tune a little also changes the tone (wow, that sounds like poetry !!). Stress the ‘r’s a little and most words can be converted to cuss words, without really meaning anything harmful.

I am not including the newly evolved languages like Hinglish (’The other day, my papa was telling me ki I should not ghumafy in the scooter’) or Tanglish (what most of our RJ’s speak). Those to me combine the worst of all languages and are absolutely useless in conveying emotions.

What is the best language when you want to ‘pet’ babies? (See I could not find anything better than ‘pet’) That is the language I love most, since there is no limit to your imagination in that language. Although there is no grammar, I think this language too is a derivative of the mother tongue of the petter (is there such a word?) or the petted. As a result ‘chunnu’, ‘munnu’ make sense for kids speaking Hindi and related languages and ‘kutti’, ‘pattu’ along with a combination of different fabrics etc for Tamizh kids. I heard my Kannada speaking friend calling the baby ‘bangara’ (meaning gold) and am guessing that telugu speakers would use a minor variant of the term. What kind of baby-talk can I try with English speaking kids?

What languages do you prefer for your different moods?

Children of Heaven

I have been wanting to write this post for quite a while now. In fact I wanted to write it as soon as I finished watching this gem of a movie by Iranian director Majid Majidi. My friend at work was the first one to recommend ‘Children of Heaven’ to me. Sadly he only remembered that it was an Iranian movie and the story. He promised to find out the name of the movie from his wife, but forgot about it. I chanced upon the DVD in the library and without knowing that it was the same movie my friend had talked about, I went ahead and watched it. This movie is a proof to my theory that to make a good movie, you do not need a complicated script all the time. A simple story executed with a difference or a different story executed simply usually results in a good movie.

‘Children of Heaven’ is one of those rare movies where the characters are very real and the situations are very relatable. It is also one of the few movies where children behave like normal children and their issues are dealt with love and seriousness.

The story is unbelievably simple. The movie starts with a shot of young Ali (about 6-7 years old) getting his younger sister Zahra’s shoes repaired with the shoemaker. On his way back, he leaves them outside the grocers while he picks up vegetables for his home. Unfortunately a blind salesman who collects used things picks them up and Ali goes home without the shoes. Ali tells Zahra about the shoes and tells her not to tell their parents since they both know that their father does not have the money to replace the shoes.

Ali asks Zahra to wear his shoes to her school in the morning and then hand them to Ali who would wear them for his afternoon classes. This difficult arrangement gives rise to some interesting adventures. Ali hears about an interschool race in school where the 3rd prize is a pair of sneakers. Ali decides to participate in the race, win the 3rd place and gift the sneakers to Zahra. He is by now very good at running, thanks to his daily runs to school to be on time and so begs his way into the race, even though the selection of boys from the school for the race is already over. What happens in the race? Does Ali get the sneakers? These questions are answered at the end of the movie.

Iranian movies are held in high esteem in movie circles, for their visual appeal, simple storylines and artistic approach. My first taste of Iranian new wave movies started with ‘Baran’, which also happens to be by the same director. I picked up the movie without knowing anything about it except what the cover of the DVD told me. I wouldn’t say I was blown away by the movie, but it was a movie with very little dialogues and a very pretty heroine who used her eyes to convey all the emotions. ‘Children of Heaven’ is the best of all the Iranian movies I have seen (only 4 )

The kids are extremely cute and their eyes convey everything. When Ali and his father go to the city looking for work, Tehran looked really beautiful with skyscrapers and beautiful buildings. The movie moves at a leisurely pace and it is a welcome break from movies and media where there is a lot of negativity.

This movie was nominated for the Academy awards in the best foreign film category in 1997 but unfortunately lost to a worthy opponent - Life is Beautiful by Roberto Benigni. For those interested in world cinema, Children of heaven is a must watch.

The Music Teacher

Warning : A long post !!

“My brother wants to learn guitar and my mother and I want vocal music classes in carnatic music”. - That’s how my first conversation with the music “teacher” went. This was after complaining to anyone who made the mistake of bothering to listen to me talk, about my difficulty in finding a good music teacher to continue with my music lessons. My brother too would keep telling me that he wanted to learn to play the guitar. I finally thought I had found my Guru when I saw the ad in the local newspaper. The ad said that guitar, keyboard, vocal and mridangam would be taught at my doorstep and where required, the music instrument would also be provided. After thinking a lot, I finally called the number provided in the ad on Saturday. It was almost 5 pm and the person on the other end took down my address details, gave me his name (Mr. Kumar) and told me he would come the same day. I was not mentally prepared (you have no idea of the mental preparation that goes into learning music !) and asked him to come the next evening. Only after replacing the phone, I realized that both of us had not talked about the fees !

Sunday came and we were returning from Tiruttani ( a temple town near Chennai), when my brother’s mobile rang. The music teacher wanted to know when he could come and my brother told him to come by 4 pm. I have to admit that I started feeling a little like Swami Vivekananda ! (It is said that Swami Ramakrishna Parahamsa literally waited day and night for his disciple and prayed for him to come soon ! It is one of the rare cases where the Guru was more desperate for the disciple than the reverse!!) .

I had just started napping after reaching home, when my brother announced that Mr Paramahamsa was here. An ordinary looking person with kumkum on his forehead smiled at me. After some initial small talk, he declared that he liked ‘Kisore kumar’ a lot. It was not everyday that you would hear a Carnatic Music teacher declare his love for a film singer* and I was, well, surprised ! The teacher then went on to explain that he had lived in Delhi all along and that he knew Hindi, Punjabi, Marathi etc. Then he turned to me and said - ‘Indi’ theriyuma? (Do you know ‘Indi’?)

‘Theriyum’ (I know), I said.

When we read the ad, we had all thought that this was some sort of a music school and that there were different teachers for each instrument. Here was a one-man-army ! Mr. Kumar told me, without any attempt at humility, that he was like TV Gopalakrishnan (a very popular mridangist, who is also a vocalist and plays a lot of other instruments !!).

I told him that both my mother and I had had some basic training in Carnatic music and that I had learnt a few varnams and some keerthanais. (Varnams - small compositions usually performed at the beginning of a concert. Subject of varnams is usually romance. Keerthanai - Devotional songs set to a ragam and talam and sung as main pieces in a concert). Mr Kumar said that he would start with the basic lessons to understand our capability and then proceed.

My mom gently asked him about the fees and he said “2500 for the guitar and 3500 for vocal lessons for both of you (my mom and me)”.

Our expressions changed - “6000 a month for just music classes !!”, we were both thinking. As if we were not enough, I had invited my cousin who lived next door to join the crowd. The teacher thought for a minute and said, “Ok, 5000 for the 3 of you”.

My mom hesitantly told him that it was too expensive, given that we were learning music as a hobby. My brother interjected and added that the cost was nominal for guitar lessons. So we asked the teacher to start training my brother, while the 3 women (my cousin, mom and I) retreated to the kitchen to ‘discuss the next steps’. My mom finally came and announced that my brother could continue his lessons and that we did not need vocal lessons. Secretly I was very relieved that the deal did not succeed, since for some reason, I was beginning to have doubts about the person’s capabilities.

About 5 minutes passed and I was back in the hall to check how my brother was doing. Mr Kumar turned towards me and asked me “What was the discussion about? Do you think the fees is very high?”

I felt guilty for having wounded his artistic temperament and proceeded to clarify -”Sorry sir, we are casual learners and for us, this seems high, but then this is not a market and I cannot bargain with an artist. That is the reason why we said we don’t need the classes. We do not want to put you in an embarrassing situation.”

What came next was really unexpected !!

“How much are you willing to pay?” - he said.

“God !! This is really turning into a conversation at a vegetable market!!”, I thought.

My mom, in the hope of dissuading him, said “3000 for the 3 of us”.

And Mr. Kumar immediately agreed !!

He said “This is Saraswati and let us not bargain much. I had to rent a car to come here, since I had to come all the way from Vadapazhani. This is what I usually charge my other students. Let us agree on this price and start the classes”. I now had a sinking feeling that we were trapped. I also felt uneasy about the fact that he had come all the way from Vadapazhani. Why would a person from Vadapazhani advertise in the local paper for Tiruvanmiyur (which is 15-20 km away)? How can you tell the person delicately that we did not want the lessons! My mom was not looking at me either and the deal was struck.

He had been teaching my brother to pluck the strings of the guitar and he turned to us and said “Let us start with the basic exercises. Shall we sing ‘Sa Pa Sa’?” (Sa, Pa and Sa represent the base note, the middle note and top note in an octave. This is sung first in a class to ascertain the ’shruti’ or pitch of the singers. In Carnatic music, unlike Western Classical Music, pitch is relative.)

I noticed that he did not have a shruti box - a must for music classes, to maintain shruti. He asked me to sing first and I did. And he remarked “Aaha, you sound like a shruti box!!”. I had totally given up on this person and decided that he had no idea about music!! He was resorting to flattery and I totally detested it !! No guru praises the disciple for singing Sa Pa Sa and that too in the first class !!

Then he started singing the sarali varisai - fundamental music sequence involving all the seven notes sung in sequence in different permutations. We sang along. The interesting thing was that we were all singing in one shruti and he was singing in something completely different. It is a very difficult task for a person to sing in a completely different pitch, when someone else is singing in a pitch! It is impossible !! And this man managed to do that. Also, the initial exercises were to be sung in the 1st speed and our man was racing along.

In between he stopped the actual talam (beat) and was generally tapping (and that definitely resembled the way some of my aunts make rotis). After some futile attempts to follow him all of us stopped the talam. My mom, who is ever curious and outspoken stopped him midway and said “Why is your talam different? You did not teach us this one!” and he responded “I am a mridangist also, thats why I tend to switch!”

We took a short break while my mom went to fetch him some coffee. I had already started having doubts about the person’s capacity to sing and wanted to confirm my suspicions. So I hesitatingly asked “Sir, please teach us some small song as it is the first class.”

And the man started thinking and said “The problem is, I am able to recollect only big keerthanais. Ok, let me teach you a very small shloka on Ganapati. It is a very simple one.”

And he sang !! And I cried (inside) and sang (outside)!! Trust me, you have to listen to the song to believe what I am saying !! It was a little more than a nursery rhyme and the teacher sang even that with a lot apaswaram (off-key) !!

We somehow managed to wind up the class and were literally waiting for him to leave. There was silence for exactly one minute and my cousin slowly said, “I don’t know about you, but I was not very convinced.” That was it!! The floodgates opened and we were all talking at the same time. My brother said that when he came in he was breathing heavily, for he had probably walked all the way from the bus stop. Then what was all the rot about renting a car !! We also started laughing uncontrollably ! But after a while I grew really angry! How could a person dare to cheat people like this!! You did not need a degree in music to understand that he was a fraudster !!

The highlight of the entire episode came later !! My mom called him on Monday evening to tell him that we were not interested in the classes as we were not satisfied. The guy simply said ok and disconnected.

In 5 minutes, he called again and said “If not guitar, please take up vocal lessons at least !” and my mother felt sorry and gave him some reason about me going onsite again etc.

The guy did not hesitate and said “But what about yesterday’s class? You need to pay me for it.”

My mom said “But you did not teach us anything!! We were singing along with you and you did not even bother to correct us when we went wrong. ”

Mr. Kumar said, “You need to pay at least Rs.250 for my conveyance”.

And my mom said “The max I am willing to give is Rs. 50 for your bus charge” (I can’t control my laughter!!)

And the guy thought for a minute and said “But I did not take a bus, I took a car!! I will think of this as a donation. I can’t spend 100 bucks to get 50 from you!!”

And my mom thanked him for his generosity and put the phone down unable to control herself!!

On Sunday and Monday, I was beside myself with frustration. I had lost all hopes of my ever learning music well enough. And I simply could not digest the fact that people were capable of cheating in this fashion.

I later had to convince myself to stop this foolish search for teachers. I believe in rebirths and the concept of karma. For the kind of life I have been leading I am undoubtedly going to be reborn. So I am now thinking that I will spend the rest of this birth in only listening to music and devote the next birth to learn it !!

*Not to be construed as demeaning Kishore Kumar or film music. This just represents the usual mentality of Carnatic Music enthusiasts.