Hey You, Meet You !!

Intro 1 - A conversation with a friend of many years:
‘So what are you reading these days?’

‘I have suddenly developed an interest for classics. Thankfully the public library is not short of books by old masters. I have just started Tolstoy’s War and Peace. What about you?’

‘Me? It has been a while since I read any novels, but the last one I read was one by Frederick Forsyth. What about movies? What was the last one you saw?’

‘I discovered this site called filmsite.org a month back. It has a list of the top 100 English movies of all times. I am thinking of watching them one by one.’

‘Hmm.. Why are you like this?’

‘Like what??’

‘Well, why do you have to read classics and watch B&W movies? Do you really like them? I personally think that you are doing it because you think it is the right thing to do and not because you like it! Why are you not normal? Why do you strive so hard to be different? Why can’t you be like normal girls? Normal girls your age, would listen to film music or popular music, but you pretend to enjoy classical music!! They would watch what everyone else watches, not some obscure movies from the archives! What are you trying to prove and to who? Why are you restricting yourself? Why don’t you be more open and broad-minded?’

Intro 2 - Another casual conversation with a short-term friend:

‘So tell me this - Are you a vegetarian by choice? Or is it because of your upbringing?’

‘It was initially because of my upbringing. Now it is also a matter of choice.’

‘And why is it your choice now? Religion? Ethical reasons?’

‘Ethical reasons’

‘See, this is my problem with vegetarians. Why do you say ethical reasons? Why don’t you say that you do not like meat?’

‘What is the problem? You asked me why I did not eat meat and I gave you an honest answer!!’

‘No, but what you are doing is wrong !! You are making a non-vegetarian like me feel bad about myself for eating meat, by giving such an answer. You vegetarians, think you are morally superior to us !! We are human too!! We have feelings too!!’

‘Are you, by any chance, drunk or stoned? Whoever talked anything about you? You asked me a question and I replied !!’

‘But you should be nicer when you respond to such questions. If someone asks you why you are a vegetarian, you can simply say that its your choice! Why do you want say that it is due to ethical reasons? Do you mean to imply that being a non-vegetarian is unethical?’

What is common between the 2 exchanges above? Note how the questions were framed. What were the responses and what meanings were construed? Most people hear what they want to hear! The opinion about you or the subject is already formed and what they want is a mere confirmation, which they will derive irrespective of what your actual response is. The questions are merely rhetorical and are supposedly intended to prove to you what a hypocrite you are !!

Though not many, I have met a few such people in life. I can understand this sort of exchange happening with people you do not know very well, but sometimes, it is the ‘friends’ and ‘well-wishers’ who often end up annoying you in ways mentioned above.

Sometimes these ‘illuminating’ comments tend to destroy your self-esteem, especially when you are young. During my school days, I got into a quarrel with a boy in my class. The fight was pointless like most fights between kids. We were kids entering adolescence. During that short period, girls and boys hated each other and insulted each other at every possible instance. Things turned a little dramatic, when this boy and few of his friends sent home an abusive post card with choice expletives, complete with spelling and grammar mistakes (I was even called a ‘bloody bucket’ in the letter !!). My parents were upset and complained to the school principal who then asked the class teacher to give a stern warning to the culprits.

These were boys and as I had mentioned before, we had a beast who worked as the Sports teacher. He got involved in the issue too and supposedly gave the boys a sound beating (heresay). This was when my class teacher realized that she had to teach ME a lesson for provoking the boys. So I suddenly became a student who needed to be corrected. During one class, the teacher started talking about how people should behave. She spoke about a fictional person, who was good in academics and co-curricular activity, who belonged to a certain community (trust me, this happens in small-town schools in TN) and who was popular in school. But, she said, these things did not matter if she was vain. (Pride, I was told later, is when a girl of any age talks back to a guy of any age!!). The only thing she did not mention during the entire speech was my name! The entire class was now looking at me, for no one was fooled that the advice was meant for the whole class.

The issue did not end there. She supposedly asked to see my younger sister and asked her about my general behaviour at home, was I friendly with my father and my brother etc. My sister innocently told her that I would often fight with my brother. That is when the teacher told my sister something that I had not known all along - that I had always had a hatred towards men :) I was young and eager to please everyone around, especially my teachers. And this teacher affected me so badly that for the remaining years at school and college, I refused to participate in any extra-curricular activities. My self-esteem went for a complete toss, and I started believing that I was one of the most despicable people put on earth. I would tremble when I had to stand in front of people and had a few experiences of losing my voice totally when facing the mike.

Today, I find it easier to brush aside comments made by people about what I actually meant while saying anything. But as I said before, it still comes as a shock when people who you think you know well, still offer opinions about what they really think you meant!! Sometimes, it is better when people take you at face-value rather than try to find hidden meanings in every word you say or every action you do !!