The Evil one..

“It was a very intense relationship. We were very much in love, but fate was against us. We could not get married. So now you know. I will be a loyal husband. I can promise a peaceful life, where you will never want anything material. I can’t promise my heart. That was taken many years back”,  I told Nandini, the girl my parents had chosen for me, when we met for the first time in a coffee shop. She just gave me her enigmatic smile, which to this day, I have not been able to decide whether was mocking me or was simply one of amusement. It never struck me to ask her if she had any past love. It didn’t matter. Young girls have crushes all the time. I didn’t care for them.

It wasn’t as though I cared about what Nandini thought about me. But I wanted to lay my cards on the table right at the start. I didn’t want her coming in with expectations of finding love in marriage etc. The marriage was mostly for the sake of my parents, but also because I was a practical guy. Everybody gets married and settles down. So I did too. I don’t know what made her agree, but agree she did.

I had promised myself that I would never love anyone like I had loved Lakshmi. Of course I had had flings with other women afterwards – smart and sassy women I had met at work – but only before marriage. Marriage was never in my mind when I flirted with them of course. I was aware it was flirting. In my opinion, love happens only once in a man’s life. And mine was over.

Nandini was a good girl though. She was intelligent, witty, pretty (I think) and most importantly she got along famously with my parents, especially with my mother. In fact, on seeing her photo, Amma declared that there was no way someone so beautiful would agree to marry someone average looking like me – so much for parental love being blind to faults.

Amma, who was getting tired of being around only men after her marriage – with my father, my brother and me, welcomed Nandu with open arms. I was relieved in many ways that they got along more like friends than anything. In fact, sometimes the problem was that they got along too well. Since they never fought with each other, they ganged up against my father and me most of the time. And within a month, my father surrendered unconditionally. So it was now just me against the rest of the family (my brother was studying in the US).

If not love, some kind of camaraderie developed with time – especially after I accepted that she was way above me.  I was an average guy who watched Big Boss on TV, read gossip columns on film websites, watched every sports program on TV, had an opinion on the gutter politics of India, which I freely gave to my mother (who royally ignored it). In short, I was becoming a younger version of my father. Nandu was well-read and smart, but totally without any pretensions. She asked for very little and spoke very little. I had overheard her discussing some books with Amma, but she was mostly silent around me. There was nothing uncomfortable about the silence though – just the knowledge that there weren’t that many things in common to discuss.

In my philosophical moods, I used to tell her about Lakshmi. About how we fell for each other, that precise moment when both of us realized we wanted to be together, the walks on beaches, the opposition from her parents, my hesitation to fight with them, my insecurity about my ability to be a good husband etc. I left out Lakshmi’s name and the bits about the stolen kisses, the weekend getaways to Mahabalipuram etc., for though Nandu was a mature woman, she was still a woman married to me. I never told her Lakshmi’s name. Sometimes I even told her about my various other crushes, before and after Lakshmi – they felt like my achievements in my otherwise dull life. Nandu never said anything, just listened with that half smile on her lips.

Once when we were alone, we were discussing children. And a sudden wave of nostalgia came over me and I told her “Nandu, if we have a girl, can I pick the name?”.

“What name did you have in mind?”

“Reshmi or Sia or Savitha or Lakshmi?” I said.

“Sure. If it is a boy, can I pick the name?” she said smilingly.

“Uhh… What names did you have in mind?”

“Suresh or Vikram or Raghu or Rohit?”, now she was definitely laughing.

“Ok, I give up. When the time comes – girl or boy – we can pick a name that is not any of the above ” I surrendered.

A month or so later, I was browsing the shirts section at Lifestyle, while Nandu and Amma were trying out some kurtis – matching ones, if you can imagine that – when I saw her. Something about her – the way she stood with her left hip thrust out and her right hand on her right hip or the way her neck was tilted slightly to the right – seemed familiar. And then I heard her voice and I knew it was Lakshmi. Before I could hide behind one of the racks, she seemed to have sensed me watching her and turned. It was Lakshmi all right. She had put on some weight, but still looked beautiful. My heart was in my mouth and I was praying to the Almighty that my nervousness did not show on my face.

“Chandru! It has been so long since I saw you! How are you these days? Where are you? Are you on FB? Give me your mobile number. I will WhatsApp you! So much to talk. Are you married? How many children? You should come home with your kids sometime.”

How could she act so normal? Had she forgotten everything? How could she smile at me like I was an old friend? She didn’t seem to be faking her happiness either! There was nothing wistful about her looks or smile!

And just like the Santoor ad, a cute looking toddler – about 3 years old-  came running “Amma, Sanju won’t give me the gun!”

A 5-or-so years old boy came running behind her – “But she already has the car!”

And the beautiful mom looked at them, asked them to share their toys and turned back to me. There was no guilt, no sense of loss, nothing in the eyes that looked at me. We could have met at kindergarten for all the lack of romance there.

“Chandru, this one or this one? Amma likes this, but I like the blue one better” said Nandu, stepping out of the dressing room. She looked at me and looked at Lakshmi.

“Are you Chandru’s wife? I am Lakshmi! We used to work together. I got married and moved out of Chennai. It is such a pleasure to meet you!”

“Hi Lakshmi! I am Nandini. Yeah, I remember Chandru mentioning  you. You should definitely come home some time”.

And they exchanged numbers, ignoring me completely. Amma, meanwhile had walked out and had recognized Lakshmi.

“How are you Lakshmi? Are these your children? So adorable!”

“My husband is in the electronics section and is probably looking for me. Nandini, Aunty, I am really happy to have met you all after such a long time. You too Chandru! We should all meet up again. Nandini, I will call you soon. I have a lot of stories about Chandru” she winked at Nandini and left.

“You too Chandru” she had said. That’s it? You too? Here I was, a modern day Devdas- ok, a married one – but my heart was still hers, or so I had thought! How can women be so cruel? How can they forget and move on so easily? For this heartless woman, I had sacrificed my entire life. Ok, maybe sacrifice is overstating it. But surely she could see the pain and love in my eyes!

Nandu had sensed something, but had the sense to not say anything. I went through the motions of paying for the clothes, unable to think. I don’t even remember having my favourite chaat – Samosa chana , at the neighbourhood chaat shop. I was dying inside – at least it felt like it. And if I had kulfi afterwards, it was only because Amma and Nandu needed company!

My heart was broken for the second time – it had broken every time one of my crushes had handed me their wedding invitations – but those were minor cracks, compared to what I was going through now.

“Chandru seems upset” I overheard Nandu telling Amma. “When do men ever grow up ma?”

What???

From the kitchen, Amma looked at my dad for a minute and said “Definitely not till they are 63 at least”.

“Ladies!! What are you two talking about?” I yelled. I couldn’t let them know I had been eavesdropping.

“Oh nothing. You watch Big Boss”, Amma said.

That night, when I entered our room, Nandu was in her usual pose – slouching on the sofa, with her feet on the bed and a book on her hand. She didn’t look up.

I sat on the bed, put her feet on my lap and started massaging them. Such soft feet!

Nandu was looking at me with a strange smile on her face, and her eyes full of mischief.

“Are you ok? Should I call for your mother? Ammaaaaa”

“Stop yelling! What are you doing? Can’t a husband massage his wife’s feet? I am just being nice” I said.

“So she’s the one then”, she said.

“Who’s the one? What one?” I said, trying to look innocent.

“You do realize that I am clever? Smarter than you, in fact?”.

“Oh, you mean Lakshmi? She is what?”

Nandu was still looking at me, that smile not changing at all.

“Nandu, can I ask you something?”

“Tell me my dear husband, whose heart can never be mine!”

“Suresh – isn’t he your sister’s brother-in-law?”

“Yeah, so what about him?”

“And Rohit is that guy from the TV show you liked when you were in school”

“Ok, right”

“Who are Vikram and Raghu?”, I said, not daring to look up.

Her laughter told me I wasn’t going to get an answer.

Women – those cruel and evil beings –  you can’t live with them or without them!