Dear Kavitha,
Congratulations on the big news. I heard from some of our common acquaintances about the new addition to your new family. You are blessed indeed. Is your husband taking good care of you?
You know, I started writing to you many times in the past. But every single time, I balked at sending it. In fact, most times I could not get past the first 2-3 paragraphs. I couldn't see for my tears and my trembling hands. And my father has always told me to never do anything when emotional, especially put down one's thoughts in writing. "They will be on record then", he used to say. "You can't take them back!".
"Don't write negative things in your diary", my mother used to say. "When you read it later, you will go through the same emotions another time."
So I waited, till I could settle down. I think I have now.
When my parents chose Anand for me, I was on cloud nine. I had never been in love before. And like many Indian girls, I was willing to fall in love with someone my parents had chosen. I used to show him off to my friends and invite him for family dos even before we were married. I would watch him talk and joke and loved it when people laughed at his jokes.
When he told me to join aerobics classes, I was touched. So much concern! And I loved it when he told me when a dress did not suit me. 'He notices me'. I thought.
Memories are strange. They are rarely linear. I remember this one time, when we walked 2 km to get ice-cream. It was 10 pm then. We didn't talk much - I didn't talk much. Anand spoke about something - some book or the other and I just listened. It felt like the most romantic thing ever.
Then there was this instance, where he threw his plate saying the food was too salty. I couldn't talk then either. I was too stunned to react. I had never witnessed such an outburst from anybody before then.
And the time when I just lay by his side and watched him sleep. There was a full moon outside. And the man I loved was next to me. I was too full of happiness that night, to fall asleep. I just watched him and thought how lucky I was..
'You are looking uglier and uglier day by day. I don't feel attracted to you!', he yelled one morning. "I am ashamed of going out with you. People laugh at you, do you even know that?" he said. And he left for work with the lunchbox I had packed for him. No calls, no text messages apologizing for his behaviour. And the next day it was like nothing happened.
But you know what was more humiliating? When his lawyer - a ratting looking one, told me in my lawyer's office that Anand was going to contest the divorce and was going to charge me with adultery. Anand just sat there. I didn't look at that lawyer, I was looking at him, who wouldn't even look at me. "Who is this man?", I remember thinking.
"Compromise and live with him", said the lawyer. "This is how marriages are. He says sorry. You apologize too.". My mother was bawling. My father, who I always thought of as a well-built man, seemed to have shrunk.
Oh wait, not that. It was probably when I found that ticket stub in Anand's bag, which showed he had returned three days earlier from his Hong Kong trip. Why would he lie to me and where was he for the past three days, I wondered. One of my friends who worked for a detective agency, found out that Anand had been to Manali on those 2 days. It was humiliating. He had called me too twice during those days telling me about the meetings he was rushing to. And I also found out that it wasn't the first time he had lied about his 'official trips'.
Getting cheated upon is hurtful - but you know what hurts more? It is the look people give you; the fact that your life has become a spectacle to these voyeurs; the way your parents look at you, and sometimes question you if you did something wrong. It is like being made to stand naked in a busy marketplace, with every passerby stopping to gawk at you. Every moment spent with him, the good and the bad, every spoken word, every pause, every minute of silence, every touch, every kiss - your mind keeps replaying them till you can't take it for another second and you can't kill yourself, because you don't want to do that to your parents and you can't run away from yourself. The uncontrollable urge to call him, text him - first yelling and then dissolving into tears and reducing yourself to begging him to come back ...the disgust you feel at yourself what you have become...the well-meaning but extremely frustrating advice from your patients, friends and relatives and above all, going to bed hoping you will wake up to realize it was all a nightmare and waking up to realize it is all true.. that you cannot do anything to make it go away - THAT is hurtful.
That day, when I saw him at your house, coming out of your bedroom looking defiant- me, with my family and friends for support and you staying back in the room and your parents standing in the hall looking confused by it all - that is stuff Stephen King's novels are made of. Adultery and cheating happened to others, right? Wrong!
Did you know that till a week before the divorce, Anand was talking about getting back together? We met at a coffee shop and he tried to act normal. He apologized for his behaviour, said his relationship with you wasn't serious. He held my hand. Did he tell you that? I tried, I really really tried to sit and have a conversation with him like 'adults' - Anand's favourite phrase. Have you noticed that he has this annoying habit of shaking his right leg, when he is talking? Funny I had never noticed it before! I was looking at the leg he couldn't stop shaking. I was trying to look anywhere but at his face, and at his hand that was on top of mine. I wanted to ask him to stop talking. His voice was irritating with the awful affected accent he slips into and the way he said "like" as though he was sixteen years old. But I had promised my mother to try to be nice and give him a chance. I couldn't. I was thinking of those hands on your hands, how they must have held you and caressed you - those hands that flung the plate one day - the same hands that must have hugged you from behind. I couldn't take it anymore and left the place.
I know you have been through a divorce before. I don't hold any grudge against you. In fact I don't even hold any grudge against Anand - who became your husband within 2 weeks of becoming my ex-husband. So much for a non-serious relationship! He is now a father. Pretty incredible really, that too six months into your marriage! At least you don't have to worry about the people popping the inevitable question of when you are planning to start having children! I am sure he must have told you that till a month before the divorce, on the days he didn't spend with you, he was with me.
You have had a daughter, I heard. My best wishes to the proud parents! Don't worry, I am not looking for a comeuppance. You are married to a man who left his wife for another and that is punishment enough. As for Anand, I don't believe that a person can undergo a change of heart overnight - that happens in films. I only wish that he never has to see his daughter being eaten from inside, for no fault of hers.
Don't feel sorry for me. I am thankful to you for taking him off my back. If you hadn't happened, like most Indian brides, I would have stayed in that marriage, living like a doormat. It took some getting used to - to wake up without a fear in the pit of my stomach ("can you do one thing right? How did you get your degree?")... to watch something I like on TV ("what a third rate show! No wonder you love it").. to eat my favourite food ("tuck it in honey.. You are beyond all help anyway").. to laugh out aloud ("Your teeth!! Your idiotic parents never heard of braces?") but I now value my freedom more than ever before. The sun shines brighter, the water tastes sweeter.
You know, the thing about becoming single again, is that suddenly there are many kind men who want to ease your pain and loneliness with their company. I find it funny. I bet Anand was funny and kind to you too, when you were lonely!
I may adopt a baby...You see, I realize that while I like the ends, the means to it seems to be too big a price to pay.
Not-your-friend (someday, we can bitch about your husband, but till then)
Shweta
Congratulations on the big news. I heard from some of our common acquaintances about the new addition to your new family. You are blessed indeed. Is your husband taking good care of you?
You know, I started writing to you many times in the past. But every single time, I balked at sending it. In fact, most times I could not get past the first 2-3 paragraphs. I couldn't see for my tears and my trembling hands. And my father has always told me to never do anything when emotional, especially put down one's thoughts in writing. "They will be on record then", he used to say. "You can't take them back!".
"Don't write negative things in your diary", my mother used to say. "When you read it later, you will go through the same emotions another time."
So I waited, till I could settle down. I think I have now.
When my parents chose Anand for me, I was on cloud nine. I had never been in love before. And like many Indian girls, I was willing to fall in love with someone my parents had chosen. I used to show him off to my friends and invite him for family dos even before we were married. I would watch him talk and joke and loved it when people laughed at his jokes.
When he told me to join aerobics classes, I was touched. So much concern! And I loved it when he told me when a dress did not suit me. 'He notices me'. I thought.
Memories are strange. They are rarely linear. I remember this one time, when we walked 2 km to get ice-cream. It was 10 pm then. We didn't talk much - I didn't talk much. Anand spoke about something - some book or the other and I just listened. It felt like the most romantic thing ever.
Then there was this instance, where he threw his plate saying the food was too salty. I couldn't talk then either. I was too stunned to react. I had never witnessed such an outburst from anybody before then.
And the time when I just lay by his side and watched him sleep. There was a full moon outside. And the man I loved was next to me. I was too full of happiness that night, to fall asleep. I just watched him and thought how lucky I was..
'You are looking uglier and uglier day by day. I don't feel attracted to you!', he yelled one morning. "I am ashamed of going out with you. People laugh at you, do you even know that?" he said. And he left for work with the lunchbox I had packed for him. No calls, no text messages apologizing for his behaviour. And the next day it was like nothing happened.
But you know what was more humiliating? When his lawyer - a ratting looking one, told me in my lawyer's office that Anand was going to contest the divorce and was going to charge me with adultery. Anand just sat there. I didn't look at that lawyer, I was looking at him, who wouldn't even look at me. "Who is this man?", I remember thinking.
"Compromise and live with him", said the lawyer. "This is how marriages are. He says sorry. You apologize too.". My mother was bawling. My father, who I always thought of as a well-built man, seemed to have shrunk.
Oh wait, not that. It was probably when I found that ticket stub in Anand's bag, which showed he had returned three days earlier from his Hong Kong trip. Why would he lie to me and where was he for the past three days, I wondered. One of my friends who worked for a detective agency, found out that Anand had been to Manali on those 2 days. It was humiliating. He had called me too twice during those days telling me about the meetings he was rushing to. And I also found out that it wasn't the first time he had lied about his 'official trips'.
Getting cheated upon is hurtful - but you know what hurts more? It is the look people give you; the fact that your life has become a spectacle to these voyeurs; the way your parents look at you, and sometimes question you if you did something wrong. It is like being made to stand naked in a busy marketplace, with every passerby stopping to gawk at you. Every moment spent with him, the good and the bad, every spoken word, every pause, every minute of silence, every touch, every kiss - your mind keeps replaying them till you can't take it for another second and you can't kill yourself, because you don't want to do that to your parents and you can't run away from yourself. The uncontrollable urge to call him, text him - first yelling and then dissolving into tears and reducing yourself to begging him to come back ...the disgust you feel at yourself what you have become...the well-meaning but extremely frustrating advice from your patients, friends and relatives and above all, going to bed hoping you will wake up to realize it was all a nightmare and waking up to realize it is all true.. that you cannot do anything to make it go away - THAT is hurtful.
That day, when I saw him at your house, coming out of your bedroom looking defiant- me, with my family and friends for support and you staying back in the room and your parents standing in the hall looking confused by it all - that is stuff Stephen King's novels are made of. Adultery and cheating happened to others, right? Wrong!
Did you know that till a week before the divorce, Anand was talking about getting back together? We met at a coffee shop and he tried to act normal. He apologized for his behaviour, said his relationship with you wasn't serious. He held my hand. Did he tell you that? I tried, I really really tried to sit and have a conversation with him like 'adults' - Anand's favourite phrase. Have you noticed that he has this annoying habit of shaking his right leg, when he is talking? Funny I had never noticed it before! I was looking at the leg he couldn't stop shaking. I was trying to look anywhere but at his face, and at his hand that was on top of mine. I wanted to ask him to stop talking. His voice was irritating with the awful affected accent he slips into and the way he said "like" as though he was sixteen years old. But I had promised my mother to try to be nice and give him a chance. I couldn't. I was thinking of those hands on your hands, how they must have held you and caressed you - those hands that flung the plate one day - the same hands that must have hugged you from behind. I couldn't take it anymore and left the place.
I know you have been through a divorce before. I don't hold any grudge against you. In fact I don't even hold any grudge against Anand - who became your husband within 2 weeks of becoming my ex-husband. So much for a non-serious relationship! He is now a father. Pretty incredible really, that too six months into your marriage! At least you don't have to worry about the people popping the inevitable question of when you are planning to start having children! I am sure he must have told you that till a month before the divorce, on the days he didn't spend with you, he was with me.
You have had a daughter, I heard. My best wishes to the proud parents! Don't worry, I am not looking for a comeuppance. You are married to a man who left his wife for another and that is punishment enough. As for Anand, I don't believe that a person can undergo a change of heart overnight - that happens in films. I only wish that he never has to see his daughter being eaten from inside, for no fault of hers.
Don't feel sorry for me. I am thankful to you for taking him off my back. If you hadn't happened, like most Indian brides, I would have stayed in that marriage, living like a doormat. It took some getting used to - to wake up without a fear in the pit of my stomach ("can you do one thing right? How did you get your degree?")... to watch something I like on TV ("what a third rate show! No wonder you love it").. to eat my favourite food ("tuck it in honey.. You are beyond all help anyway").. to laugh out aloud ("Your teeth!! Your idiotic parents never heard of braces?") but I now value my freedom more than ever before. The sun shines brighter, the water tastes sweeter.
You know, the thing about becoming single again, is that suddenly there are many kind men who want to ease your pain and loneliness with their company. I find it funny. I bet Anand was funny and kind to you too, when you were lonely!
I may adopt a baby...You see, I realize that while I like the ends, the means to it seems to be too big a price to pay.
Not-your-friend (someday, we can bitch about your husband, but till then)
Shweta
6 comments:
Shweta is pathetic. Did you make the language purposefully pathetic? Her thought process is even more pathetic.
Or did I totally misunderstand the tone of this post? 😐
Yes you did 🙂 .. She is a victim who was forced to lose all her innocence due to a two timer
I am proud of you Rathi. The choice of words all powerfully packed and compacted in this short story, immediately creates an impact in the readers mind. So relatable to happenings around us. Dont stop Writing!!!!
Hmmmm.... I think I should read more 😊
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