When you appreciate a book or a movie, ever thought why you appreciated it? Is it always because you loved it?
Why did you love it? Is your appreciation always original? How many times have you praised something, only because someone you hold in high regard, thinks it is great?
I guess it is a common phenomenon amongst all of us. I have seen many examples of this especially from younger siblings. Many of them seem to hold their elder siblings in high regard and form their opinions based on the opinions of the elder siblings.
I remember one instance, where a person I know, told me that she loved Mumbai during monsoons. Nothing surprising about that, except that I had a feeling that she had never visited Mumbai enough to comment about it. I did not want to pass any judgement, and hence asked her, if she had ever been there during monsoons. As I had suspected, the answer was no!
Then why did she like ‘Mumbai during monsoons’ except that it sounded cool? The answer was as expected too - because her older sister had told her it was very beautiful !
I have been in such situations often too. I was introduced to Carnatic music by a few friends in the US and all my preferences and opinions reflected those of these select friends. I had the nerve to talk to people who had been listening to CM for years as though I was an expert myself and would often tell them about singers I liked and disliked. The reasons for either choices were more often than not, those that I heard from my friends. As a result, for a long time, I remained extremely close minded with regards to musicians and refused to listen to anyone who did not appear on my (in other words, my friends’) list! It took some serious thinking about myself and my hypocrisy to change my opinions and listen to music with an open mind.
It becomes a little embarassing when someone you like/respect recommends a book/movie to you and you actually find it a little boring. It is ok if you know the person very well and more importantly, he/she knows you well. It takes some guts to tell them that you did not like it or worse still that you did not understand it - especially the latter. It is as though you are conceding defeat and admitting your ignorance. My giant sized ego has always stood in my way, when it came to expressing my honest opinion.
I have called a few movies and books interesting (not good, mind you !) only because they were recommended by people I like! I have endured some tomes only because they were ‘critically acclaimed’.
If some of the movies, that I endured, simply because they were in some foreign language and were considered ‘good cinema’, had been made in Tamil or Hindi, I guess I would have trashed them without a second thought. Masala movies, that I seem to detest so much, suddenly become art because of the country where it was made and also because the Academy of Motion Pictures thought so!
I have gone to great lengths, including discussing with like minded intellectuals about some movies and browsing the internet to find out what others think and collate the opinions and pass it on to the next unsuspecting listener as my own conclusion.
For instance, I was watching a movie with my cousins. It was a french movie called ‘Cache’ and is supposedly a critically acclaimed movie that has won numerous awards at different film festivals. As my cousin (the other one had fallen blissfully asleep) and I kept watching the slightly creepy and fairly engrossing movie, we suddenly noticed that during a particularly normal scene, when nothing much seemed to be happening on the screen, the credits started rolling and we realized with a shock, that the movie had ended !! It was 1 am in the morning, and I had lost all my patience. Still, not ones to give up so easily, we browsed the internet to find out what the hell the director was thinking. Many intellectuals had deciphered the intent and the profundity behind the movie. The next morning, we watched the extra features in the DVD to check what the director has said about the end. He supposedly wanted to leave it to the audience to decipher !
Now, I am confused about what I should say when someone asks me about this movie. Should I pretend to be an intellectual and mislead poor unsuspecting people, who have some respect for me or should I simply tell them that I did not understand the end of the movie and let the people make their own decisions. For all you know, I am probably dumber than what my admirers think and they may make more sense of the movie than me. So what should I do in such a case?
As someone great said - ‘With great power, comes great responsibility !’ (Ok, thats a cheesy dialogue from Spiderman!!), it is scary to think that I am inspiring some people with my opinions. Weird as it may seem, I seem to have some followers too, and I need to be extra careful, when I suggest something to them. I am trying hard to strike a balance between being considerate and being considered an intellectual !
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Music, Lyrics and Vairamuthu
I have a curse. I was born with it and as much as I try to get rid of it, I am simply not able to do so. This curse makes even my favourite pastime seem painful at times !
Ok, enough of the preamble, let me cut to the chase. I cannot listen to a song in a language I know, without paying attention to the lyrics !! I simply cannot !! And that, my friends, is my curse!! Since after listening to the lyrics, I realize they are trash, I find it very difficult to listen to the song itself, without cringing, even if the tune is great and singers sing it very well.
Hindi songs do not pose a big problem. I am talking only about film music and mainly romantic songs. Most lines in a hindi song are predictable. In fact, people who are into producing TV shows should conduct some sort of competition to test the ability of the contestant to write a hindi film song.
Some ground rules for hindi songs:
- If the first line has ‘Deewana’, the next line must have ‘Parvana’ or ‘Mastana’.
- ’Shamma’ usually accompanies ‘Parvana’.
- ‘Saccha’ is usually followed by ’Acchha’.
-’Mehfil’, ‘Manzil’, ‘Shaamil’, ‘Mushkil’ etc usually occur in consecutive lines.
-’Pyar’, ‘Ishq’, ‘Mohabbat’ etc are a must
-If the above rules are adhered to, the rest can simply be prose, set to a tune.
Having got that out of my way, I would now like to direct your attention to the lyrics in the other language I know, i.e., Tamil. For those of you who do not know much about tamil lyricists, we had some wonderful people in the past. Now that statement must have also told you that the ones today are not good enough!
I have a particular dislike towards Vairamuthu, who has the title of Kaviperarasu (king of poetry !!). This dislike is not because his lyrics are worse than the others, but because he showed promise and even today shows flashes of brilliance in a few songs. But those few songs are almost always for non-romantic songs, where he still has some imagination left. I would not say that his lyrics are predictable. They are mostly unpredictable. Every time you think he has touched the height of absurdity, he surprises you with something worse in his very next song.
I have a serious suspicion that he underwent some very serious experience involving saliva and sweat in his childhood ! How else would you explain his obsession with sweat and saliva in all his songs? His ‘romantic’ lyrics are more disgusting more than vulgar !!Sample these:
a. The lines ‘Sindum Vervai theerthamaagum‘ (the beloved’s sweat is like holy water !!) and ‘Echil kooda punithamaagume‘ (again, beloved’s saliva is holy !!) in the ‘Kaathalikum pennin kaigal’ from Kathalan.
b. ‘Aayiram thamarai‘ from Alaigal Oyvathillai - again references to vervai.
c. In ‘Anbe Anbe‘ from Jeans, apart from the not-so-subtle descriptions of Ash’s anatomy, he also subjects us to more torture with lines that mean the hero will drink the water that the beloved bathes in !! Yuck !!
d. Something about how the changing room smells after the woman changes clothes there in some song - I think ‘Neethaane enthan pon vasantham’ in Ninaivellaam Nithya !
e. ‘Vizhiyil vizhunthu’ - except for the 1st few lines, most of it is junk. Profound lines that mean ‘If you (heroine) put on jasmine flowers, roses will get fever, if you wear a silk saree, the silk worms will get salvation’ etc etc !
f. ‘Anthi mazhai’ from Rajaparvai - References to vervai again. But this one gets even better. The woman describes the man as ‘Ragasiya Raathiri puthagame’ (literally translated as ‘Secret night book’). Now what the hell was Vairamuthu thinking? How can anyone be described as a porn magazine? How is that romantic?
g. ‘Roja roja’ in Kadhalar Dinam - Again reference to vervai (’If You get drenched in the rain I will get fever, if you stand in the sun, I sweat !!’)
This list is endless. The other kind is where he makes weird comparisons and used absurd English terms and science in his romantic songs, like :
- ‘Chandirani thottadu yaar Armstrong aa? Sathiyamai thottadu yaar naandaane’ (Was it Armstrong who touched the Moon? I am actually the one who touched it (her) - Lord save me !!)
- ‘Vayitrukum thondaikum uruvam illa oru urundayum uruludadi’ (’A shapeless ball rolls from throat to stomach !’ - Does that make any sense?)
- More trash in the same song - ‘Kokilame nee kural koduthal unnai kumbittu kannadipen, gopurame unnai saaithu kondu unthan koonthalil meen pidipen’ (’Cuckoo, I will pray to you and wink at you .. Hey Gopuram-(I dont know what it is called in English) - I will tilt you and catch fish in your hair (she has a problem with lice and I guess our man is hinting at that !!). (I guess you can imagine my condition translating these lines to English !! I am laughing uncontrollably!!)
- ‘Nilaavile kaatre illai, idu ethanai peruku theriyum, Kaathal vandaal kanneer illai, kaathal konda yaarukum theriyum’ (Most absurd comparison possible. These lines mean ‘Everyone knows that there is no air in the moon. Anyone in love, knows that if you are in love, there are no more tears !!).
This was the same guy who wrote beautiful lines on nature -
Eg. The entire song - Ilaya nila pozhigiradu (the original and definitely better sounding version of Neele neele umbar par). Especially these lines are brilliant :
‘Mugilinangal alaigirathe mugavarigal tholaindanavo;
Mugavarigal thavariyadaal azhudidimo adu mazhayo’
(’Why are the clouds roaming around? Is it because they have lost the address?
And since they lost the address, are they crying and is that the rain?’)
Even the recent song - ‘Vellai pookal ulagam engum’ is a very beautiful song with soulful lyrics by Vairamuthu. It is about hoping for peace to reign in the world and was rendered beautifully by Rahman. So there is still some good stuff remaining in the man.
It is when you ask him to write on romance that he goes berserk. Romance is the only thing missing in all his ‘romantic’ songs. There is a lot of lust, absurd comparisons, lessons on female anatomy, physics, chemistry, but definitely no love !
His most favourite style, when he is in a mood for it, is the algorithmic style. He takes a term or an idea and expands on it and beats it to death in the song. Some examples -
- f(aasai) in ‘Roja’ - Song goes on about what all the girl wishes for (aasai = wish).
- f(azhagu) in Puthiya mugam - what is beautiful to what (azhagu=beauty).
- f(vendum) in Thiruda Thiruda - Unrealistic wishes of youngsters. (vendum=want)
- f(artham) in Thiruda Thiruda - what something means (artham= meaning)
- a:b as x:y in Ayutha Ezhuthu - Yaakai thiri, kaathal sudar - a song full of similes.
and so on..
Sometimes I think I prefer his meaningless lyrics or his algorithmic songs to such rubbish mentioned above!
I long for really romantic songs of the yore. Sure there were vulgar lyrics then too, but they were definitely not the on-your-face type. Care was taken to make the words to sound melodious and the lyrics did not grate your ears. Women were probably compared to flowers and breeze and men to knights etc, but words like sweat and saliva did not figure in the songs. Poetry was still alive then. Tamil is a beautiful language, and there are thousands of beautiful words waiting to be used. Hope people like Vairamuthu wake up to this fact.
Before I end my ranting, here are some beautiful lines from a favourite song of mine -
‘Maalayum iravum sandikkum pozhuthil, mayangidum oliyinai pole, mana mayakkathai thandaval neeye’ (Like the intoxicating light at the time when the evening and night meet, you make me feel intoxicated !).
Ok, enough of the preamble, let me cut to the chase. I cannot listen to a song in a language I know, without paying attention to the lyrics !! I simply cannot !! And that, my friends, is my curse!! Since after listening to the lyrics, I realize they are trash, I find it very difficult to listen to the song itself, without cringing, even if the tune is great and singers sing it very well.
Hindi songs do not pose a big problem. I am talking only about film music and mainly romantic songs. Most lines in a hindi song are predictable. In fact, people who are into producing TV shows should conduct some sort of competition to test the ability of the contestant to write a hindi film song.
Some ground rules for hindi songs:
- If the first line has ‘Deewana’, the next line must have ‘Parvana’ or ‘Mastana’.
- ’Shamma’ usually accompanies ‘Parvana’.
- ‘Saccha’ is usually followed by ’Acchha’.
-’Mehfil’, ‘Manzil’, ‘Shaamil’, ‘Mushkil’ etc usually occur in consecutive lines.
-’Pyar’, ‘Ishq’, ‘Mohabbat’ etc are a must
-If the above rules are adhered to, the rest can simply be prose, set to a tune.
Having got that out of my way, I would now like to direct your attention to the lyrics in the other language I know, i.e., Tamil. For those of you who do not know much about tamil lyricists, we had some wonderful people in the past. Now that statement must have also told you that the ones today are not good enough!
I have a particular dislike towards Vairamuthu, who has the title of Kaviperarasu (king of poetry !!). This dislike is not because his lyrics are worse than the others, but because he showed promise and even today shows flashes of brilliance in a few songs. But those few songs are almost always for non-romantic songs, where he still has some imagination left. I would not say that his lyrics are predictable. They are mostly unpredictable. Every time you think he has touched the height of absurdity, he surprises you with something worse in his very next song.
I have a serious suspicion that he underwent some very serious experience involving saliva and sweat in his childhood ! How else would you explain his obsession with sweat and saliva in all his songs? His ‘romantic’ lyrics are more disgusting more than vulgar !!Sample these:
a. The lines ‘Sindum Vervai theerthamaagum‘ (the beloved’s sweat is like holy water !!) and ‘Echil kooda punithamaagume‘ (again, beloved’s saliva is holy !!) in the ‘Kaathalikum pennin kaigal’ from Kathalan.
b. ‘Aayiram thamarai‘ from Alaigal Oyvathillai - again references to vervai.
c. In ‘Anbe Anbe‘ from Jeans, apart from the not-so-subtle descriptions of Ash’s anatomy, he also subjects us to more torture with lines that mean the hero will drink the water that the beloved bathes in !! Yuck !!
d. Something about how the changing room smells after the woman changes clothes there in some song - I think ‘Neethaane enthan pon vasantham’ in Ninaivellaam Nithya !
e. ‘Vizhiyil vizhunthu’ - except for the 1st few lines, most of it is junk. Profound lines that mean ‘If you (heroine) put on jasmine flowers, roses will get fever, if you wear a silk saree, the silk worms will get salvation’ etc etc !
f. ‘Anthi mazhai’ from Rajaparvai - References to vervai again. But this one gets even better. The woman describes the man as ‘Ragasiya Raathiri puthagame’ (literally translated as ‘Secret night book’). Now what the hell was Vairamuthu thinking? How can anyone be described as a porn magazine? How is that romantic?
g. ‘Roja roja’ in Kadhalar Dinam - Again reference to vervai (’If You get drenched in the rain I will get fever, if you stand in the sun, I sweat !!’)
This list is endless. The other kind is where he makes weird comparisons and used absurd English terms and science in his romantic songs, like :
- ‘Chandirani thottadu yaar Armstrong aa? Sathiyamai thottadu yaar naandaane’ (Was it Armstrong who touched the Moon? I am actually the one who touched it (her) - Lord save me !!)
- ‘Vayitrukum thondaikum uruvam illa oru urundayum uruludadi’ (’A shapeless ball rolls from throat to stomach !’ - Does that make any sense?)
- More trash in the same song - ‘Kokilame nee kural koduthal unnai kumbittu kannadipen, gopurame unnai saaithu kondu unthan koonthalil meen pidipen’ (’Cuckoo, I will pray to you and wink at you .. Hey Gopuram-(I dont know what it is called in English) - I will tilt you and catch fish in your hair (she has a problem with lice and I guess our man is hinting at that !!). (I guess you can imagine my condition translating these lines to English !! I am laughing uncontrollably!!)
- ‘Nilaavile kaatre illai, idu ethanai peruku theriyum, Kaathal vandaal kanneer illai, kaathal konda yaarukum theriyum’ (Most absurd comparison possible. These lines mean ‘Everyone knows that there is no air in the moon. Anyone in love, knows that if you are in love, there are no more tears !!).
This was the same guy who wrote beautiful lines on nature -
Eg. The entire song - Ilaya nila pozhigiradu (the original and definitely better sounding version of Neele neele umbar par). Especially these lines are brilliant :
‘Mugilinangal alaigirathe mugavarigal tholaindanavo;
Mugavarigal thavariyadaal azhudidimo adu mazhayo’
(’Why are the clouds roaming around? Is it because they have lost the address?
And since they lost the address, are they crying and is that the rain?’)
Even the recent song - ‘Vellai pookal ulagam engum’ is a very beautiful song with soulful lyrics by Vairamuthu. It is about hoping for peace to reign in the world and was rendered beautifully by Rahman. So there is still some good stuff remaining in the man.
It is when you ask him to write on romance that he goes berserk. Romance is the only thing missing in all his ‘romantic’ songs. There is a lot of lust, absurd comparisons, lessons on female anatomy, physics, chemistry, but definitely no love !
His most favourite style, when he is in a mood for it, is the algorithmic style. He takes a term or an idea and expands on it and beats it to death in the song. Some examples -
- f(aasai) in ‘Roja’ - Song goes on about what all the girl wishes for (aasai = wish).
- f(azhagu) in Puthiya mugam - what is beautiful to what (azhagu=beauty).
- f(vendum) in Thiruda Thiruda - Unrealistic wishes of youngsters. (vendum=want)
- f(artham) in Thiruda Thiruda - what something means (artham= meaning)
- a:b as x:y in Ayutha Ezhuthu - Yaakai thiri, kaathal sudar - a song full of similes.
and so on..
Sometimes I think I prefer his meaningless lyrics or his algorithmic songs to such rubbish mentioned above!
I long for really romantic songs of the yore. Sure there were vulgar lyrics then too, but they were definitely not the on-your-face type. Care was taken to make the words to sound melodious and the lyrics did not grate your ears. Women were probably compared to flowers and breeze and men to knights etc, but words like sweat and saliva did not figure in the songs. Poetry was still alive then. Tamil is a beautiful language, and there are thousands of beautiful words waiting to be used. Hope people like Vairamuthu wake up to this fact.
Before I end my ranting, here are some beautiful lines from a favourite song of mine -
‘Maalayum iravum sandikkum pozhuthil, mayangidum oliyinai pole, mana mayakkathai thandaval neeye’ (Like the intoxicating light at the time when the evening and night meet, you make me feel intoxicated !).
Monday, June 16, 2008
Of Hosts and Hospitality !
Athithhi devo bhava’ or ‘Guest is God!’ - a statement that we have been hearing from childhood. How would you like to be treated when you are somebody’s guest? How do you treat your guests?
Being a slightly neurotic and extremely shy person, I feel miserable everytime I present myself as the guest to anybody’s home. Talking to the person in a social gathering is bad enough, it is worse when you have to visit this person and remain as inconspicuous as possible for the entire duration of the stay. Forget good memories, I try hard to ensure there are no memories of my stay at all !
Talking of hosts, I have found that there are many kinds. All of them fall in between the extra-hospitable and the when-are-you-leaving types. Both the kinds scare me.I was forced to stay with a former friend and her husband during one of my onsite visits, although I personally preferred staying at a hotel, than with someone else. This friend was a year or two older than me and took it upon herself to make me a better person.
I have never been scared of anyone so much in my life. Every word and every action of mine was being judged. She told me how I should eat my cereal (like kheer, with hot milk and sugar even if it was cold cereal and sweetened), that she hated people who refused to have tea or coffee in the morning - when I declined an offer for coffee or tea, what I should eat for lunch and how much and so on.
She would ask her husband to sleep on the floor so that I could sleep on the bed, although I begged her not to do so. In spite of my insisting on taking a taxi, she would nag him to drop me at my office, although it was quite far. She would insist that her husband and she would pay for all my expenses, including for a trip to Niagara !
Was she good? - Yes, she thought so !! Was I comfortable ? - Definitely not !! I am fine with kindness, but I simply could not take charity. I was suffocating and felt manipulated. Needless to say, I tried to find an apartment as soon as I could and moved out immediately. Till this date, she thinks I was being ungrateful and hates me for it !!
I have had a couple of such bad experiences. In many cases, it becomes extremely embarassing when the host has personal issues or minor domestic squabbles when I visit them. Some of them are good at pretending that nothing is amiss, whereas a few others take me in confidence and tell me their problems.
A third type, which is scarier and tougher to handle is when the hosts behave as if you were not even there and sulk silently in a corner. In some friends’ places, I have been subjected to such behaviour. What’s worse, I am asked to take sides. Irrespective of whose side I take or do not take, I always end up looking like an idiot. I cannot walk out of the place, since I am supposed to be a guest. So I have to go through such ordeals and pretend that I don’t exist !
I once joined my friend to her cousin’s place in the US. Another friend, who was feeling extremely bored, joined us. We had good fun in the beginning, but somewhere in between, the cousin’s husband took offence to one of our jokes and started giving us the infamous cold-shoulder treatment. We apologized to him but he still remained distant. That night at their house, was one of the longest nights I have ever been through. My friend was embarrassed for her cousin’s and her husband’s behaviour. We spoke only in whispers the whole night and didn’t make eye-contact with the inmates of the house, the whole of next day. By the time we left that evening, we had had enough and when we got into the car, we felt like we had just been released from the prison!
There is no set of rules to be a good host. Being yourself seems to be the best way. That is of course, assuming that you are not a complete jerk, in which case, being some one else definitely helps the guest !! A lot of us are basically good people, but we take the maxim - Honesty is the best policy, too seriously and end up blurting out honest but unnecessary statements to the wrong people at the wrong time.
I recently went to meet with my cousin, who had come down from another city and was spending the afternoon at her friend’s place. I did not want to go to a stranger’s house, but ended up going because my cousin insisted that I come. The friend’s husband was working in the same organization as I and had attended a recent meeting with the senior management.
A few minutes inside their home, the husband asked me if I was present in that meeting. When I replied in the affirmative, he asked me if I was the person who had asked a certain question to the chairman. Feeling proud of myself and my rising popularity, I happily nodded my head. ‘I did not like it. You should not have asked that.’, he said. I made a weak response that my question was based on my personal experience, but no, the verdict was out. I was out !!
I kept thinking - I had been judged already. He knew me, he could read me like a book. He could see what a bad person I was !! He hated me !! (I was being truthful when I said that I am slightly neurotic !). That put an end to whatever little I was saying there. I had scored zero on his scoring sheet and I could not find a way to redeem myself !! We went out together, but his looks seemed accusatory (to me !!). I wanted to hide myself ! He was the host and I was a guest, how could I argue with him and prove my point? How could I tell him that he had offended me?
I guess the only memory they would have of me was a rather sullen looking lady, who had nothing to say on any topic - a dullard maybe ! I hope that is all they think about me !!
Different types of treatments work for people. Some of us expect to be treated like guests and want a royal treatment. Others like things to stay casual. Depending on how the host/hostess treats me, I may stop at the drawing room, eating what is served and agreeing with everything the host/hostess says or may insist on helping out with cooking and washing dishes and feel completely at home!
Slightly dirty houses seem more comfortable and hospitable than the spic-and-span ones. People living in the former seem more human than those in the latter type of houses! When I am in a sparkling clean house, I am only thinking of the juice/coffee that I am holding and hoping I don’t spill it (that always seems to do the exact opposite). In slightly dirty houses, I am talking with abandon. Spilling the juice does not bother me, because I know, I can always clean up the place later!
Now that I have written so much about hosts and hospitality, I am hoping I am casual enough and not overbearing to my guests. I hope my house looks just the required amount of disarray, and looks cool and slightly disorganized instead of a pigsty!!
Being a slightly neurotic and extremely shy person, I feel miserable everytime I present myself as the guest to anybody’s home. Talking to the person in a social gathering is bad enough, it is worse when you have to visit this person and remain as inconspicuous as possible for the entire duration of the stay. Forget good memories, I try hard to ensure there are no memories of my stay at all !
Talking of hosts, I have found that there are many kinds. All of them fall in between the extra-hospitable and the when-are-you-leaving types. Both the kinds scare me.I was forced to stay with a former friend and her husband during one of my onsite visits, although I personally preferred staying at a hotel, than with someone else. This friend was a year or two older than me and took it upon herself to make me a better person.
I have never been scared of anyone so much in my life. Every word and every action of mine was being judged. She told me how I should eat my cereal (like kheer, with hot milk and sugar even if it was cold cereal and sweetened), that she hated people who refused to have tea or coffee in the morning - when I declined an offer for coffee or tea, what I should eat for lunch and how much and so on.
She would ask her husband to sleep on the floor so that I could sleep on the bed, although I begged her not to do so. In spite of my insisting on taking a taxi, she would nag him to drop me at my office, although it was quite far. She would insist that her husband and she would pay for all my expenses, including for a trip to Niagara !
Was she good? - Yes, she thought so !! Was I comfortable ? - Definitely not !! I am fine with kindness, but I simply could not take charity. I was suffocating and felt manipulated. Needless to say, I tried to find an apartment as soon as I could and moved out immediately. Till this date, she thinks I was being ungrateful and hates me for it !!
I have had a couple of such bad experiences. In many cases, it becomes extremely embarassing when the host has personal issues or minor domestic squabbles when I visit them. Some of them are good at pretending that nothing is amiss, whereas a few others take me in confidence and tell me their problems.
A third type, which is scarier and tougher to handle is when the hosts behave as if you were not even there and sulk silently in a corner. In some friends’ places, I have been subjected to such behaviour. What’s worse, I am asked to take sides. Irrespective of whose side I take or do not take, I always end up looking like an idiot. I cannot walk out of the place, since I am supposed to be a guest. So I have to go through such ordeals and pretend that I don’t exist !
I once joined my friend to her cousin’s place in the US. Another friend, who was feeling extremely bored, joined us. We had good fun in the beginning, but somewhere in between, the cousin’s husband took offence to one of our jokes and started giving us the infamous cold-shoulder treatment. We apologized to him but he still remained distant. That night at their house, was one of the longest nights I have ever been through. My friend was embarrassed for her cousin’s and her husband’s behaviour. We spoke only in whispers the whole night and didn’t make eye-contact with the inmates of the house, the whole of next day. By the time we left that evening, we had had enough and when we got into the car, we felt like we had just been released from the prison!
There is no set of rules to be a good host. Being yourself seems to be the best way. That is of course, assuming that you are not a complete jerk, in which case, being some one else definitely helps the guest !! A lot of us are basically good people, but we take the maxim - Honesty is the best policy, too seriously and end up blurting out honest but unnecessary statements to the wrong people at the wrong time.
I recently went to meet with my cousin, who had come down from another city and was spending the afternoon at her friend’s place. I did not want to go to a stranger’s house, but ended up going because my cousin insisted that I come. The friend’s husband was working in the same organization as I and had attended a recent meeting with the senior management.
A few minutes inside their home, the husband asked me if I was present in that meeting. When I replied in the affirmative, he asked me if I was the person who had asked a certain question to the chairman. Feeling proud of myself and my rising popularity, I happily nodded my head. ‘I did not like it. You should not have asked that.’, he said. I made a weak response that my question was based on my personal experience, but no, the verdict was out. I was out !!
I kept thinking - I had been judged already. He knew me, he could read me like a book. He could see what a bad person I was !! He hated me !! (I was being truthful when I said that I am slightly neurotic !). That put an end to whatever little I was saying there. I had scored zero on his scoring sheet and I could not find a way to redeem myself !! We went out together, but his looks seemed accusatory (to me !!). I wanted to hide myself ! He was the host and I was a guest, how could I argue with him and prove my point? How could I tell him that he had offended me?
I guess the only memory they would have of me was a rather sullen looking lady, who had nothing to say on any topic - a dullard maybe ! I hope that is all they think about me !!
Different types of treatments work for people. Some of us expect to be treated like guests and want a royal treatment. Others like things to stay casual. Depending on how the host/hostess treats me, I may stop at the drawing room, eating what is served and agreeing with everything the host/hostess says or may insist on helping out with cooking and washing dishes and feel completely at home!
Slightly dirty houses seem more comfortable and hospitable than the spic-and-span ones. People living in the former seem more human than those in the latter type of houses! When I am in a sparkling clean house, I am only thinking of the juice/coffee that I am holding and hoping I don’t spill it (that always seems to do the exact opposite). In slightly dirty houses, I am talking with abandon. Spilling the juice does not bother me, because I know, I can always clean up the place later!
Now that I have written so much about hosts and hospitality, I am hoping I am casual enough and not overbearing to my guests. I hope my house looks just the required amount of disarray, and looks cool and slightly disorganized instead of a pigsty!!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Read thy listener !
Do you have the habit of looking at a person in the eye while speaking?
Do you notice obvious and not so obvious signs that the listener sends out when you talk?
Are you considered a good public speaker or a good conversationalist? Or do people try to avoid you like the plague ?
It’s a wonder how much you can learn about a person by merely listening to them actively, not just to their words, but to their signs. A shift in the eye, a mannerism that is obsessively followed during a conversation, the posture they maintain etc - these actions speak much more than what you actually hear the person saying.
You don’t have to be an expert in body language to understand what the person is trying to convey. A lot of things can be picked up by simply looking around you! Human beings are an interesting species - they have many ways of letting people know how they feel about things! All you need is a careful eye and the ability to shut up and observe once in a while!
When you are talking to a person, two things need to happen in parallel - talking and watching for signs of boredom in the other person. If the person is looking away once in a while, has a glaze over his eyes when you talk or responds with a lame 'Hmm.. yeah.. I agree' etc, its time for you to stop your sermon and let him talk for some time.
Some of us (Most of us), are too much in love with ourselves and our own voice and often do not know when to stop. It is a good idea to then trust the body language of the listener before proceeding and stop earlier than later. Much as we noble souls want to lavish our thoughts on the common folk, we need to understand that other nobler souls would want to have their share of time too. After all upliftment of the world is everybody's responsibility, isn't it?
Some of us have the habit of launching into conversations on topics that interest only a select few in the group, oblivious to the fact that the remaining people in the group have no clue what we are talking about and are not interested in knowing it either. I remember a particular 3-way telephone conversation with my friends in the US. I had never watched the 'Friends' sitcom till then and these two launched into an hour long conversation, with me listening to them, on the lives of the characters. Mind you, they did not start with introducing the characters or the story to me, but discussed as if I did not exist!
I have seen this happen with a lot of people and have myself been guilty of this crime many times! I try hard not to and steer the conversation away to neutral topics that will interest the rest of the crowd, because I know the pain of being a mute spectator during such conversations!
Much as I can talk about watching out for other people's reactions and non-verbal signals when we talk, I personally seem to have trouble giving out the right signals that mean 'Shut up, I am bored!’. All my attempts at such reactions have only made the speaker launch another boring anecdote about him.
My first landlord in the US was an old man who would drive down during the beginning of every month from Maine to collect his rent from me. His accent aided with his toothlessness would drive me completely crazy and add to it the fact that he was actually very very boring, and you now have an idea of my situation. I would dread his visits and he, in all probabilities, simply rejoiced in his heart to have found sympathetic ears to pour out his heart's feelings about life, the universe and everything! The worst part was that I did not have chairs or a couch at my apartment and the entire sermon would be handed down standing near the door.
He would talk about India (or what he thought was India!!), US, President Bush, the Iraq war. You would think it was the PM of India and the President of the United States talking about the sorry state of affairs in both countries! In this case, it was the US President, who would go on and on and on and the Indian PM (me) would remain a mute listener. Just when I thought he had finished airing his views on this topic he would quickly jump to a different topic and the end never seemed in sight. Although my entire contribution to the conversations was limited to 'Yeah' 'Oh Ok!' etc, he seemed as happy as he had heard an hour long speech from me.
I tried a lot of tricks - looking away in between, turning to the stove and pretending I had work to do, praying desperately for the phone to ring etc, nothing seemed to stop him. I even tried prearranging with my friend to call me at that time so that I could tell this man that I had an important call and get away from him, but he politely told me he was ready to wait till I finished !! Every 1st day of the month then was a nightmare that I had to go through all by myself.
I have a sinister feeling that God has wired me all wrong. When I try to look bored and distracted, I actually seem to look sympathetic and interested. When I want to say 'Stop that', I seem to be saying 'Go on! I am listening, I am with you!!' Since I have suffered in the hands of such verbal tyrants so much, I know the importance of sounding interesting. That is probably the reason I choose to be quiet during most conversations, choosing to instead listen and work on my non-verbal signals!!
Do you notice obvious and not so obvious signs that the listener sends out when you talk?
Are you considered a good public speaker or a good conversationalist? Or do people try to avoid you like the plague ?
It’s a wonder how much you can learn about a person by merely listening to them actively, not just to their words, but to their signs. A shift in the eye, a mannerism that is obsessively followed during a conversation, the posture they maintain etc - these actions speak much more than what you actually hear the person saying.
You don’t have to be an expert in body language to understand what the person is trying to convey. A lot of things can be picked up by simply looking around you! Human beings are an interesting species - they have many ways of letting people know how they feel about things! All you need is a careful eye and the ability to shut up and observe once in a while!
When you are talking to a person, two things need to happen in parallel - talking and watching for signs of boredom in the other person. If the person is looking away once in a while, has a glaze over his eyes when you talk or responds with a lame 'Hmm.. yeah.. I agree' etc, its time for you to stop your sermon and let him talk for some time.
Some of us (Most of us), are too much in love with ourselves and our own voice and often do not know when to stop. It is a good idea to then trust the body language of the listener before proceeding and stop earlier than later. Much as we noble souls want to lavish our thoughts on the common folk, we need to understand that other nobler souls would want to have their share of time too. After all upliftment of the world is everybody's responsibility, isn't it?
Some of us have the habit of launching into conversations on topics that interest only a select few in the group, oblivious to the fact that the remaining people in the group have no clue what we are talking about and are not interested in knowing it either. I remember a particular 3-way telephone conversation with my friends in the US. I had never watched the 'Friends' sitcom till then and these two launched into an hour long conversation, with me listening to them, on the lives of the characters. Mind you, they did not start with introducing the characters or the story to me, but discussed as if I did not exist!
I have seen this happen with a lot of people and have myself been guilty of this crime many times! I try hard not to and steer the conversation away to neutral topics that will interest the rest of the crowd, because I know the pain of being a mute spectator during such conversations!
Much as I can talk about watching out for other people's reactions and non-verbal signals when we talk, I personally seem to have trouble giving out the right signals that mean 'Shut up, I am bored!’. All my attempts at such reactions have only made the speaker launch another boring anecdote about him.
My first landlord in the US was an old man who would drive down during the beginning of every month from Maine to collect his rent from me. His accent aided with his toothlessness would drive me completely crazy and add to it the fact that he was actually very very boring, and you now have an idea of my situation. I would dread his visits and he, in all probabilities, simply rejoiced in his heart to have found sympathetic ears to pour out his heart's feelings about life, the universe and everything! The worst part was that I did not have chairs or a couch at my apartment and the entire sermon would be handed down standing near the door.
He would talk about India (or what he thought was India!!), US, President Bush, the Iraq war. You would think it was the PM of India and the President of the United States talking about the sorry state of affairs in both countries! In this case, it was the US President, who would go on and on and on and the Indian PM (me) would remain a mute listener. Just when I thought he had finished airing his views on this topic he would quickly jump to a different topic and the end never seemed in sight. Although my entire contribution to the conversations was limited to 'Yeah' 'Oh Ok!' etc, he seemed as happy as he had heard an hour long speech from me.
I tried a lot of tricks - looking away in between, turning to the stove and pretending I had work to do, praying desperately for the phone to ring etc, nothing seemed to stop him. I even tried prearranging with my friend to call me at that time so that I could tell this man that I had an important call and get away from him, but he politely told me he was ready to wait till I finished !! Every 1st day of the month then was a nightmare that I had to go through all by myself.
I have a sinister feeling that God has wired me all wrong. When I try to look bored and distracted, I actually seem to look sympathetic and interested. When I want to say 'Stop that', I seem to be saying 'Go on! I am listening, I am with you!!' Since I have suffered in the hands of such verbal tyrants so much, I know the importance of sounding interesting. That is probably the reason I choose to be quiet during most conversations, choosing to instead listen and work on my non-verbal signals!!
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