Hello Thatha,
I hope you don’t mind me addressing you in this manner. In Tamil, Thatha means grandfather. It can also mean ‘Give’ (Tha) repeated twice. Since this letter is essentially a wish-list, I thought this mode of address would be most suitable.
I wish I could be broad-minded and selfless like women winning the beauty pageants and ask for world peace or eradication of poverty or terrorists turning to peace lovers from December 26th 2011. However, from what I hear about you, I guess you already know that I am not a selfless person. I am one of the many people who are in equal (or unequal) parts God and Devil (and this idea definitely did not come from the song in the tamil movie Aalavandan*).
This list may seem silly to you Kris** Thatha, but do not doubt my intentions. As much as possible, I will give you options to pick from in each item of the list. The choice of picking the easier (marked E for your convenience) or tougher one (marked T for your convenience) is up to you (and I hope you see the goodness behind this idea and give me prorated extra points for being a good girl). The easy options may at times seem a little cruel and mean – again, the intentions are purely noble and (mostly) selfless. Here is my list:
a. Good roads that don’t dissolve in rain water in Chennai (T) (or) special magic car that can spot potholes underneath the puddles and can grow wings and fly at those spots alone (E).
b. Drivers with common sense who understand that cars are equipped with low and high beams and that low beams work most of the time (T) (or) a super powerful torchlight (that is more powerful than the stupid halogen lamps some of the morons on the road use for headlights), that I can use to blind the offenders for a microsecond at least.
c. Good eyesight to people who walk past me when I am waiting in a queue for the lift or to get my coffee as though I don’t exist (and much as I would like to think of this as proof of my exercise regime working, I know this is not true) (T) (or) the mental fortitude to push past them in exactly the same fashion and pretend they don’t exist (E).
d. Good conscience to people who spit and eject other bodily fluids on the roads (T) or a magic spell that I can utter which will have these people slapped on their faces every time they even think of such a thing. (E).
e. Good sense to people who spend 5 full minutes in front of the attendance swipe machine thinking that staring at it will shame it into changing the swipe-in time to 10 minutes earlier than the current time (T) (or) installation of Smart attendance machines that will kick the person away if he/she spends more than 1 second in front of it or will sense the person’s attendance based on biometric data.
f. Make me immune to spelling and grammar mistakes, love stories written by 10-year olds (T) (or) embed Spelling and grammar lessons in each person’s DNA before they are born (E)
g. And lastly, make me thick skinned and more accepting of faults in others (T) (or) Give me a magic wand that I can use as a vigilante to mete out justice to the wrongdoers and cleanse the world of evil (E).
Eagerly hoping you are real.
Love
Me
*A song that goes in badly translated English ‘Equal parts God and Beast – I am a mixture of the two’
**I know your real name since I have watched ‘Miracle on 34th street 4-5 times.
I hope you don’t mind me addressing you in this manner. In Tamil, Thatha means grandfather. It can also mean ‘Give’ (Tha) repeated twice. Since this letter is essentially a wish-list, I thought this mode of address would be most suitable.
I wish I could be broad-minded and selfless like women winning the beauty pageants and ask for world peace or eradication of poverty or terrorists turning to peace lovers from December 26th 2011. However, from what I hear about you, I guess you already know that I am not a selfless person. I am one of the many people who are in equal (or unequal) parts God and Devil (and this idea definitely did not come from the song in the tamil movie Aalavandan*).
This list may seem silly to you Kris** Thatha, but do not doubt my intentions. As much as possible, I will give you options to pick from in each item of the list. The choice of picking the easier (marked E for your convenience) or tougher one (marked T for your convenience) is up to you (and I hope you see the goodness behind this idea and give me prorated extra points for being a good girl). The easy options may at times seem a little cruel and mean – again, the intentions are purely noble and (mostly) selfless. Here is my list:
a. Good roads that don’t dissolve in rain water in Chennai (T) (or) special magic car that can spot potholes underneath the puddles and can grow wings and fly at those spots alone (E).
b. Drivers with common sense who understand that cars are equipped with low and high beams and that low beams work most of the time (T) (or) a super powerful torchlight (that is more powerful than the stupid halogen lamps some of the morons on the road use for headlights), that I can use to blind the offenders for a microsecond at least.
c. Good eyesight to people who walk past me when I am waiting in a queue for the lift or to get my coffee as though I don’t exist (and much as I would like to think of this as proof of my exercise regime working, I know this is not true) (T) (or) the mental fortitude to push past them in exactly the same fashion and pretend they don’t exist (E).
d. Good conscience to people who spit and eject other bodily fluids on the roads (T) or a magic spell that I can utter which will have these people slapped on their faces every time they even think of such a thing. (E).
e. Good sense to people who spend 5 full minutes in front of the attendance swipe machine thinking that staring at it will shame it into changing the swipe-in time to 10 minutes earlier than the current time (T) (or) installation of Smart attendance machines that will kick the person away if he/she spends more than 1 second in front of it or will sense the person’s attendance based on biometric data.
f. Make me immune to spelling and grammar mistakes, love stories written by 10-year olds (T) (or) embed Spelling and grammar lessons in each person’s DNA before they are born (E)
g. And lastly, make me thick skinned and more accepting of faults in others (T) (or) Give me a magic wand that I can use as a vigilante to mete out justice to the wrongdoers and cleanse the world of evil (E).
Eagerly hoping you are real.
Love
Me
*A song that goes in badly translated English ‘Equal parts God and Beast – I am a mixture of the two’
**I know your real name since I have watched ‘Miracle on 34th street 4-5 times.
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