Don't Rewind !

The other day, I was introspecting (I am sure you are wondering if this is what I am getting paid for !!) and asked myself some questions. I have been asking myself the same questions time and again and I know my responses. You can take a shot at them too:

Can you name 5 people from your past -

1. Who have done something very good for you and that you remember often?
2. Whom you have helped and who you think will remember you for it?
3. Who have wronged you and you are still trying to come to terms with those bitter memories?
4. Whom you have wronged and probably regretted it later?

Did the names for each of the above questions come at the same pace? Did you have to think really hard to find the answer to atleast question number 4?

Why is it that I am still not able to make peace with memories of friends who betrayed me and my friendship in the name of love? Do I not have any good memories of such friends at all? I must have, for why else were they friends in the first place?

Why can’t I respect relatives , who in my memory, treated me and my family like dirt because we lacked money? Have they never been good to me?

How many people have I hurt? How many friends did I lose, thanks to my reckless attitude?

Time is a strange healer. It lets you forget the good things done to you and the bad things done by you. In retrospect, almost every bitter memory, seems to find you as the victim and memories of your good deeds seem bigger than what it actually was. Ever wondered why?

We often hear some old people going on and on about the past. Most stories that they narrate would make you think they were God’s idea of perfection!! They were always the best in everything. Everyone around them simply loved them. They were the noblest people you could find on earth, yet people around them took advantage of them. They helped everyone with a pure mind, but people were ungrateful. Their memories have blunted their wrong-doings and sharpened their good deeds.

If everyone is a victim, according to his/her memories, who is the perpetrator? If there is a cause and effect for every action, why is it that people always behave meanly with you even though you are goodness incarnate?

Sometimes, I think all of us are basically masochists. We love to hurt ourselves. If there is no one else who will hurt us, we take up the responsibility ourselves. We sit down to feel miserable; think about the past, about people we trusted but who betrayed us and so on. Not for a second do we think that if we helped someone, there was a reason to it. We probably were repaying some kindness the person had done or we just did it in a moment of generosity. Similarly, if someone did something bad to us, there are chances that we had done something in the past to hurt them and they are exacting their revenge on us.

I remember reading a very beautiful anecdote by Swami Sukhabodananda :

A disciple went and told him that his friend had cheated him of some money and although many years had passed, he was unable to forget his betrayal. Swami asked him to list down 5 movies that he detested. The disciple was surprised, but he obliged. Swami then told him that he would be locked in a room with a TV and a VCR and these 5 movies. Would he like to watch them back to back over and over again? The disciple was shocked and told the Swami that when he hated watching them even once, why would he watch them again and again. The Swami said that was exactly what he had been doing. If a memory pained him, why play it over and over again in his head? Why seek sorrow ?

Simple but really profound example, don’t you think?. I try to shake away my bad memories, thinking of the above anecdote, but trust me, it is not simple!

Love relies on the future, but hate seems to thrive on the past ! (My, my!! I am beginning to sound like a philosopher these days !!). Reminiscing is fine, as long as it is about some good memories, that will make me happy, since bad memories serve nothing except to make me unhappy and sad.

Following Swami’s example, I try to imagine watching KANK, Devdas, KKKG, Baba and some such movies back to back and that is enough for me to get out of my brooding !!